President Charlie Sheen announced today that he had appointed Lindsey Lohan as the new U.S. Ambassador to Columbia. The forty-five year old Lohan said at the press conference, “I am interested in opening up the import/export of product out of Columbia by working on easing up trade restrictions between the two countries.”
Ms. Lohan was asked about the recent New York Times article stating that the melding of the entertainment world with Washington D.C. was the worst thing to ever happen to the country? Lohan retorted, “Well, I have to dispute that. Did you see George W. Bush on Law and Order last night? Not only did he look fantastic for 85, I thought he played the part of the lying, cheating, murderer spot on!”
In other news, President Sheen announced that he would be spending the entire month of August at Camp David with his goddesses, or First Ladies 1, 2, 3, and 4 as they are known throughout the world. He divulged little about the vacation other than the fact that next week there will be a private party on the grounds. P.Diddy IV will be performing live with the likes of Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John and others on the playbill.
Right Wingers and Tea Party members continue to rally in middle-America. The premise of their complaints is basically that legalizing gay marriage in 2014 was the catalyst that made our country go to hell in a hand basket. They had always thought that after that we would legalize goats marrying dogs….they didn’t think we would get a coke-head in the White House. They are still trying to perfect their agenda and are earnestly trying to tie everything into one catch phrase: “It’s the Queer’s Fault!” In response to the attacks the HRC pointed out today the divorce rate in heteros has stayed steady at 50% while the divorce rate of queers was only 20%.
Vice-President Justin Bieber declined to comment after repeated requests to his office. Bieber is planning a trip to Israel this summer at the Seventy-Eighth Middle East Peace Talks. He stated he feels confident peace will come soon between the Israelis and the Palestinians…if only they can work that Gaza Strip issue out. Post Israel, the Vice-President is stopping at Euro-Disneyland to be the headliner in the Oldies, But Goodies Tour of 2031. Other headliners for the big show are Willow Smith, Usher, and Jerry Lee Lewis. Lewis, 96 is still touring he says to support his new cousin-bride, who just turned 18.
Washington was shocked today when the Speaker of the House announced that she would not run for re-election in 32 and was stepping down. Speaker Paris Hilton stated she wanted to focus more on her humanity work and besides, “they won’t let my little puppy in the House Chamber and I am sick of all the dark suits.”
Both Houses of Congress approved a amendment today eliminating the Electoral College and our system of voting for a U.S. President. President Sheen is expected to sign the document into law at Camp David. Sheen, in his second term, welcomed the change and stated that he was sure voter turn out would triple in the new format.
The 2032 elections will be the first cycle where we will vote for the new leader of the free world via telephone. The producers of American Idol are very proud to be the designated phone bank for the election. Starting next year Americans can vote on their favorite singer and while on the line, cast their vote for President. Past Idol winner Taylor Hicks is testing the waters and gathering campaign funds as I write this, eager to toss his grey mop into the ring. “I am kinda tired of playing Branson, I thought I might try politics,” stated Hicks.
Governor Joel Burns of the great state of Texas announced good news today. The state has gone an entire year without a child being born and named “Bubba.” Burns also announced that the Texas Education Board is finally seated with educated Texans, a first for the state.
So it seems, even with the mixing of Hollywood and Washington celebrities, the U.S. is still the best place to live in the world. We no longer go to air strikes first to solve international problems and conflicts. We send Oprah, she gives everyone involved 12 free sessions with Dr. Phil and a new Chevy. The sparring factions are also given a copy of “The New Earth” and invited to Winfrey’s Santa Barbara ranch at a later date as a follow up.
The former President and Nobel Peace Prize winner, Winfrey says she is happy to help humanity, that is why she is on earth. When asked what she does when talks hit a stalemate? Winfrey yelled, “I say things three times and loud and it just somehow works out. It does work out. I don’t know how it works, but it does.”
In sports today, Peyton Manning, Jr. threw three touchdowns and beat the North Texas Cowboys. The Pokes continue to struggle internally, but Jerry Jones refuses to step down as General Manager. Coach Tommy Buttlicker had no comment.