I never wanted a dog, had never owned one of my own…then Linda got that look in her eye one day. She started talking about four-legged companionship and unconditional love….subtle hints in the beginning really. Then I started finding squeaky toys lying about the house….she was good, but I am a trained negotiator/mediator.
Her evil plot culminated one Sunday morning as she read the classified ads of our local paper. Linda had talked to me that week about her love of Labrador Retrievers…I envisioned tracks along the fence-line of my back yard and large piles of Lab poop. By that time I knew we were getting a dog….a win for me would be something less than thirty-pounds.
Linda began to read aloud an ad about dachshunds for sale for about $150 bucks and just 30 minutes from the house. Could you/would you settle for a small dog I inquired? The answer was yes and soon we were traveling down the road in search of a wiener. Had it all been an evil plot to start large and then reel me in with what she wanted all along? Linda told me in the car that she once had a dachshund named Rudy…she knew I had an affinity for all things Rudy…the fish was now hooked! Boy, she WAS good…
Avery is my first-born “child.” I named him Avery after the Dallas Maverick coach at the time, Avery Johnson. They both have short legs and are good at transition defense…it fit. Avery is a genius, I will just put that right out front, pee-pee training was a breeze…he is the King of the household.
There is one small problem though….he has OCD. Avery is obsessed with rocks. He spends hours in a day walking around the yard with a rock sticking out of his mouth. He finds a spot, and covers the rock with grass. He then walks around the pile 2, 4, 30 times..then uncovers the grass and finds the treasure! Oh my Gawd!! Avery found a rock!! The process repeats…..and repeats…and repeats until I drag him in the house panting and exhausted. We are considering doggie Valium for the poor thing. Linda says that if he was my biological child he would still be the same, but would also have a curious craving for fishsticks.
May of 2004 arrived and Linda noticed Avery looked lonely. If only he had a sibling to keep him company during the day while we were at work! I resisted for about 3 days until I agreed. Our little four-legged Woody Allen did look a little sad…maybe an in-kind friend would do the trick.
We decided to get a black and tan wiener this time and we named her Greta. I drove an hour and a half in a rain storm to find her. Down a dirt road that ran along side a railroad track sat a trailer. The front yard had an old school bus, filled with junk, and various other car parts strewn about. The smoking lady came to the front door with a small black wiener in her hand. Greta had an extra toe and a dent on her head…I felt a need to rescue her, even if I hadn’t liked her. As I drove off with the poor little pooch, I could have sworn I heard the theme song from Deliverence playing in the background.
Greta is as fast as the wind and loves to chase squirrels up trees. If she were human though, she would ride the short-bus to school. Alas, Greta has issues too…is this something in the breed that I don’t know…do all wieners have mental defects? Or was it in-breeding…what went on in that miserable little trailer in the woods?
Greta hates men and things that go beep. Yesterday she nearly had a stroke as we had to call a man to fix the security/fire alarm system in the house. A big lightening storm had sent it into a flux, continuously beeping. The combination of work boots and beeps in the house had her shaking under the bed….we will double the Valium prescription.
About 12 months ago Linda started researching “pie-bald” wieners on the internet. By this time I was like my mother after seven kids…..just tell me where she is and how much money I should take! We drove out to the country in Waxahachie, Texas to pick up my youngest, Trudy.
Trudy is a happy dog…when she wags her tail her entire body shakes. Every day she makes me laugh out loud, a small price to pay for lodging. I loved her the minute I laid eyes on her….my baby.
The family secret lies within Trudy, for she has two personalities, very distinct. One is that laughter inducing puppy…the one that likes to sit on my left shoulder as I write. The other is her “evil twin” sister….we call it “Linda Blair.” An internal switch is flipped and anger is exhibited in this nine pound dog like I have never seen before! Teeth are displayed, arms/legs start flailing, and we half expect to see pea green soup shoot out of her mouth as her head twists 36o degrees! Then it goes away, as suddenly as it appeared and she snuggles back down on my lap and looks up at me with those sweet little dark eyes. We love her, …but Avery sometimes walks on egg shells around her….he is smart enough to avoid the darkness within little Trudy. I gave him a cross for his collar.
So there you have it, you knew sooner or later a queer girl would write a blog about dogs or cats. I am severely allergic to cats, thank goodness. I could never have imagined myself with one dog, let alone three…but that is a testament to how much I care about the two- legged, co-inhabitant of the house.
Linda was right, she will probably frame this blog..but she was right. Avery, Greta, and Trudy have shown me an entirely different kind of love and joy that can be a part of my everyday life. I am grateful for the hard sell, and can we say manipulation, that I received in May of 2001….who knew a wiener would ever make me this darn happy?